Is there love in this world?
I HAD hopes, and dreams. All to give my Children, and I a better life. I worked hard in college. It was 2 hours round trip to attend class, but I didn't care. In fact, I loved to drive. I loved to attend school. I knew it would give us a brighter future. I HAD a 3.9 grade point average, but in a flash a evil storm blew in, and I lost it all and became homeless in a matter of 2 months. Was it drug use? Was it alcoholism? Was it an act of crime leading to incarceration? NO, I was physically, mentally, and sexually abused by my former husband for six years. I thought I could take it until I finished school. Then I would have a leg to stand on, and my Girls and I could be comfortable and happy. The day came earlier then I expected. The day when enough was enough. It was the day he chooses to hit me in front of my Girls. In their pure innocent eyes I saw pain, and confusion. If I did not stand up for myself my Girls would think it was ok to be hit by a man. I could not bear the thought of my Girls being abused like I have been. I did the right thing, and called the police, and my husband was arrested for domestic abuse. That day I taught them we deserve better, but that day soon past. My worst fears came true. I could not pay the rent. Day after day I was scared to go to the store not knowing if I would still have a home when I returned. Eventually my Girls and I were evicted. We became home-less. It was not right. I was faced with the most heart- breaking decision. I had to let my Girls go. They were my strength, and my reason to succeed. I was hopeful I could obtain a job, and we could be together and happy again. In the mean time my abuser did not have it worse. In fact he had it extremely better. He was no longer in jail, and was renting a house off the Santa Barbara Coast with single male college students. Since his burden of supporting my girls and I had lifted he was having the time of his life. I was convinced I had to have done something wrong. I shouldn't have trusted. I shouldn't have believed him when he said he loved me. I was stupid to have loved him back. Why didn't I see the abuse coming? I was granted a 2 year restraining order from the courts. It took me over a year to find a place for my girls and me to live. I was delayed by people who I thought were my friends. I was backstabbed several times as I struggled to make it from one day to the next. There I was, alone. Complete despair with nobody in the world showing any kind of love. There was NO love in this world. I was convinced. The only ounce of hope left was my Girls, so with the power of the restraining order my ex feared he would be incarcerated if he did not fulfill his financial obligations to his children. I immediately found a place to live. My ex had no problem being the co-signer. I was finally relieved. I could take a deep breath. It was nice to have my own apartment again. This time I did not want any friends, I wanted to be alone. Trust had been my mistake, and I was not going to make that mistake again. I thought I would still have my strength to go back to school, but it was gone. I thought I could be happy, but I couldn't. I had developed chronic anxiety facing traumatic stress. Every second of my day was dwelling in the past and fearing the future. Everyday I was living without love. I struggled for medical ins. to seek help. It took me 3 years to finally obtain MediCal. There was always one problem after another. I eventually made amends with my parents, and was prescribed medication for my anxiety. I started to hope again. I saw love in my parents. They told me they believed in me, and just like that my strength was back. I enrolled in college for the 2010 Spring semester. I woke up every mourning with hope, and I realized Love was the most powerful force. It really can conquer all. Now, the restraining order against my ex is over. He stopped paying without warning. I applied for Welfare but they don't even give me enough money for rent. I have no car, and I am about to loss my apartment again. I am four months over due. I was hoping for student aid but I didn't qualify. I discovered my ex fraudulently claimed my Girls, and I on his tax return so he would not have to pay in. Although he gave me less then $14,000 last year. He made over $91,000.00. I don't qualify because they check I.R.S. records. I need help. I am going to fall again. I can't bear the thought of being homeless again. I want to go back to school. I am so close to obtaining my degree. I promise whoever helps me that it will be a worthy investment. It would be a form of Love, and Love will save us. I have seen Love from my parents, but there has to be more.
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