Waiting for my real life to begin
It was never supposed to be like this. I was going to be a journalist, or perhaps a primary school teacher. No one doubted it, least of all me.
So how did I end up with no family, no job, no qualifications and a life story that reads like a soap opera with scandal, deception, drugs, manipulation, vice and petty crime?
Bi-polar disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, for years undiagnosed despite definitive signs, have ruined my life and dreams. Everything I thought I could achieve or do has been thwarted, quite often by my own actions, though always without malice. In trying to do the right thing, as i saw it, I have so often done the opposite and events get more intense and more extreme with each episode. I worry now that if I don't make a clean break from where I am geographically, that I never will and as I approach 30, I see my chances of being 'normal' slipping away faster than ever and it really scares me.
I have recently managed to make a small step towards return to some semblence of the girl I was before; before the bullying, before the social drug taking, before the chaos and the homeless years, before I had so little self esteem left that I turned to prostitution.I did this not for drugs or alcohol, but to get a roof over my head. I take responsibility for the choices I have made, no one forced my hand as such, however the vulnerable are easily coerced and I am so very worried that I will get led back to old ways due to hardship.
I am an artist and also a musician, however social fear means I rarely leave the house to sell or perform any works
I cannot hold down a job because of this anxiety and due to my bi polar disorder, and each time I take on employment only for it to go wrong eventually, it knocks my confidence and esteem even lower than before, a kind of damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I simply cannot survive on the benefits I receive and as I get more and more desparate, the fuzzy head of illness starts to present and I just can't go through it all again, I haven't the strength to right now, I simply can't bear to end up once again with nothing and no one. I look back at my last period of depression, and it frightens me when I see myself as I was. I don't know how I am here to write this, I was a husk, barely existing, let alone living. I am fragile and on a delicate wire right now, trying to get back to feeling like a bona-fide human being and if I can't afford to live then I don't know if i can remain on the slow climb I have started
I am happy to tell anyone anymore of the details of this rollercoaster life, but this is hard enough to begin with and I get scared by new things, so I'll leave it at this for now, but if anyone can help in anyway at all, be it with money or items or anything really, please PLEASE do
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